Am I nuts (for wanting to cook with acorns)?

At a recent meeting with my publishers at The Acorn newspapers, the idea of my baking up some delicious acorn recipes was discussed. With the utmost confidence, I said, “Oh, for sure, that would be fun!” I even tossed my head back just a twinge, adding to my aura of culinary competence.

When I got home, I went online, and Googled “acorn recipes.” Bingo! I discovered Grandpappy’s Basic Acorn Recipes! If anyone should know a thing or two about acorn recipes it would be Grandpappy, right?

But “acorn and corn meal mush!” This wasn’t what I was thinking. “Acorn grits?!” Well, again, no, thank you. Hmm, this is better: “acorn gingerbread” and “acorn molasses cookies” and “acorn pancakes?” Yum! I knew Grandpappy and I would figure it out. So where do I get my essential “acorn flour”?

Apparently nowhere! Gather the acorns? Soak the acorns for how long? Grind the acorns? What’s tannic acid or tannin? And how many boilings until I “taste the nutmeat?” Grandpappy also gave me those essential “uses for the brown acorn water."

In my own defense, I'll say that I’m no sissy when it comes to challenges — especially when it concerns my aspiring writing career. As a journalism student at CSUN I went up in a hot air balloon over the San Fernando Valley, utility lines and all, to cover the opening of a restaurant. The balloon crashed in a field in Chatsworth. (True story!) Banged and bruised but always the trooper, I returned to the restaurant for the press dinner.

Then as a freelance writer for California Bicyclist, I trained for and completed a century — a 100-mile, single day bike ride. All 100 miles on the same day! I finished… although guess who finished last? But I finished!!!

But gathering acorns, soaking them, reading about “cold water flushing method.” Oh, I just couldn’t. I set the assignment to the side of my desk for a very long time. But the thought of viable acorn recipes keeps haunting me! And so, my dear Acorn readers, consider this the Acorn Epicurean’s SOS! Please forward any acorn recipes that DO NOT involve: gathering, soaking, multiple boilings and Caution! statements warning me that “if a musty smell is present, throw the acorns away.”

Or, as the alternative, let me know where I can purchase a bag of ready to use acorn flour. I’m ready to bake!